How Does It Feel
by perincess-in-wayting
Summary: Through the eyes of the selfless, seemingly perfect Hojo, the events of the night unfold....


How Does it Feel...

by perincess_in_wayting

****

He heard the noise at his bedroom window, a sharp _tap tap_ like the rapping of knuckles on glass. The trees outside danced rhythmically, the autumn air crisp and cold with the icy breath of winter freshly upon its lips. It was the dead of night, the end of the autumn season, and the world outside his window was dark and shady, silent and still. With bleary eyes, the dark haired boy gracefully stood, muscles rippling as he stretched and peered out at his darkened room.

His made no noise as he padded forward toward the unopened window. Silently, he wriggled open the cold glass and stepped aside as a figure entered, hooded in darkness. He said nothing, and shut the window behind him with a snap.

No words were uttered and the lights stayed closed. With a shake of his head, the boy known as Hojo simply made his way back into bed.

Only this time, he made room for one more.

"You're cold." It was a statement, not a question. The shadowed figure had slipped out of its shoes and underneath his covers, and was now huddled awkwardly away from him at the side of the mattress. 

"Not really, Hojo-kun." 

Hojo sighed at the retort and moved closer. As if expecting the movement, the face quickly turned away. He wasn't deterred however. He knew how the game worked.

"You _are _cold. Here, have some more blanket." He didn't wait for an answer as he moved in closer, grasping the soft material in his hands and gently placing them over the trembling body before him. Without hesitation, he moved up against her and wrapped his long arms around the figure's midsection.

There was an intake of breath, but no complaint.

"Thank you...." The voice was soft. Somehow he knew she was referring to more than the blanket he had just given. 

He watched as the figure adjusted to face him. In the darkness he could distinctly smell her hair, taste her skin, breath in the smell of woods and rainwater that always seemed to be wrapped around her. It was the smell of beauty and earth and everything good in the world.

Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes and drew her in.

"Hojo-kun?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why...why are you always so kind to me?" He opened one eye and looked down. She was staring up at him sadly. "I don't exactly treat you as you should be treated all the time."

He smiled at her softly, a sad, lonely smile. "Don't you know the answer to that by now?"

"Well-I..."

"And you already know what I'm going to say." Looking down, he was surprised to find two soft green eyes staring back at him. They were luminous and beautiful, buried beneath the darkness,. His heart skipped a beat. He wrapped his arms around the body tighter, wanting to hold the curves and the warmth and the feel of her. He wanted to keep her. Wanted to have her. 

But he settled for imprinting the memory of her body permanently in his mind.

"Yes, you're right." The answer was soft and hesitant but her eyes stayed permanently on his. He watched her lips move as she spoke. They glimmered, soft and red. "You love me."

He said nothing and merely looked down at her. 

She turned away. He felt her beginning to tremble against him before once again resting her head against his chest. He bent down and rested his chin against the soft feel of her raven-like hair. His eyes were close. He was at peace.

"Hojo-kun?"

"Hmmm?"

"You...you know don't you? That I-"

He felt the peace that wrapped around him shatter. Gripping her tighter his eyes opened. "Yes."

He felt her fists clutching his skin. He could taste the salt in the air. He knew she had just finished crying moments before she had entered his bedroom, just like the countless times before. But he knew his place. He was there to comfort, to hold, nothing more and nothing less. She would always coming running to him after he had finished breaking her spirit in two. Then and only then. 

He felt bile begin rising up his throat. "You love someone else. _Him_."

She nodded stiffly, not looking him in the eye. 

He felt like screaming, yelling, throwing the girl beneath him and freeing himself from the confines of his clothing. He wanted to hear the surprised squeak that would come from her mouth, to feel her breasts push up against him no longer separated by clothing he considered to only to be barriers beneath them. 

He wanted to feel her wriggling, hear her crying out his name. He imagined that she would be tight. Hot. And that she would beg and cry and plead and scream, and that he would enter her and exit her and do so over and over again until his body was spent and screaming as well. He imagined the satisfied feeling he would get in releasing himself into her, and the warmth over their lovemaking after.

He would kiss her. He would hold her. He would love her. God, he would love her. 

Laughing softly to himself, Hojo closed his eyes. He would love her, but she would never love him in return. 

"Hojo-kun...?"

He tried to erase the pictures from his mind and find some form of control. He did so, only managing to answer in a rough and raspy voice. "Yes?"

"If you know than why....why do you let me come to you? I'd expect you to hate me. I...I use you."

He was surprised at her admittance. He had known that all along, but he never expected her to be strong enough to see it, to admit it right to his face. 

However, she _was _a rather surprising young woman. Though small and petite, he knew of the strength hidden inside.

"I know that you do. That's okay."

She looked up at him surprised. "No, you don't Hojo-kun. You're my friend and are always here when I need you. You don't ask anything of me despite the fact that I've let you down, missed out appointments together. You're a good person Hojo-kun." She murmured under her breath. "Not like me."

He narrowed his eyes sharply. "What are you talking about? You're the nicest person in the world. You see the good inside people without even trying."

"Yes but I-"

He bent down and silenced her with a chaste kiss, brief and soft. Pulling back, he watched as her eyes grew wide, a startled expression on her features. He found himself grinning at the look.

"See. I use you too. I'm selfish."

She still looked dumbstruck. Finding that she had nothing to say, he decided to go even further.

"I'm selfish because I need you. And I'll take any piece from you that I can get. In moments like these, when you come to me for comfort, you're mine and not his." His eyes glinted. "That's all that matters to me. That's why I'm always here for you. Not because of some twisted sense of friendship, of loyalty, of kindness. I need you."

She seemed taken aback yet again. Finally, she spoke, eyes still wide and startled "I...I've never heard you talk like this before."

He said nothing and turned his eyes toward the ceiling. He knew she was surprised, confused. He always knew what she was feeling, even when she lied.

It was easy to tell really, she had never been a good liar and he, always perceptive. At least concerning her. 

And after a while, he had just given into it, playing the game she had begun.

He pretended to believe she was sick and even reinforced the theory in school, saying that he visited her every day at three o'clock. He would even go as far as to give progress reports on her health. And because her friends were never allowed to see her, those kept them at bay, kept them from questioning all the strange illnesses she supposedly had. 

And then of course, there were those gifts. The gifts he gave her for health and wellness and the like. Sometimes he did it just to see her squirm. Heck, he even had some sick sadistic pleasure in seeing her face awash in guilt. Well, he wasn't a saint after all. A man can only take so much before getting fed up with all the lies. Only so much.

Other times, however, he just did it because he had to. It was his part, his part in the game that she had begun, the web of lies she created to shroud herself from him and the rest of the world. 

Hojo found himself frowning. And only when he heard her earnest voice did he look back down at her. 

"Hojo?" 

"What?"

"You...really love me, don't you?"

He cocked his head and watched her waiting expression. He merely nodded.

"He...doesn't."

He didn't need the name to know who she was talking of. A burning sensation began rising up in his chest.

"Oh, I know he cares for me but then...sometimes he acts so _mean._ And then all I can do is run away before he sees me cry. Because I do really love him. Even.... even though I know I shouldn't."

He didn't say anything and brought her closer to his chest. She needed to talk to him, to tell someone, and no matter how much he wanted to bark at her and ask her why she loved someone who obviously treated her like trash, he didn't. 

"He loves someone else you know." Her words were soft and broken. He felt her hands ball up into two tiny fists, right up against his chest. "Someone more beautiful, graceful, elegant, strong....someone ten times better than me. God I wish...I wish I could be half as good as her. I wish-"

He silenced her with a kiss. A forceful expression of the emotions he was feeling. Anger. Bitterness. Hatred. Love. He gave it all and explained everything to her in that one hard motion. 

He felt her tremble in his arms, then submit. At the end of it she pulled back, breathless and shaken. 

He pulled her close to his body and spoke into her hair. "Don't you ever say things like that again. You're perfect the way you are. I can take you talking about how much you love him, but when he starts making you feel less than what you are...goddamn it, you're perfect. Don't ever forget that."

Silently, she looked at him. There was something her eyes, something wordless and soft, something understanding and beautiful, and before he knew what was happening she had kissed him. The kiss was hard as well, and he felt her tongue darting forward and dancing with his. Without hesitation he pressed her closer and adjusted to make their joining more comfortable. She fell on her back and he straddled over her, no doubt eyes darkened with desire and hair falling all over the place. He was nineteen. A young man by now, no longer a boy, yet at moments like this.... he felt as if he were a virgin yet again, scared and frightened and completely unsure of what to do. 

He heard her take a sharp intake of breath as he moved from assaulting her lips and instead downward toward her lower half. He nipped at her neck and as if his hands had a mind of their own, they began riding up her shirt and slowly leading forward toward her...

"Hojo!" She said his name in a breathless whisper as he began playing and teasing. Ignoring every instinct he had concerning chivalry and the like, ignoring nineteen years of impeccable breeding from his mother, ignoring all his "good Hojo-kun" qualities, he was ruthless in ripping off her shirt and bending to kiss the peaks newly exposed. God, he wanted her.

"Hojo! Hojo..."

He loved the sound of his voice on her lips. He would never have enough of it. Never....

"Hojo...Hojo stop!"

His hands immediately stopped their exploration. He was breathing heavily and so was she. He didn't want to stop--his hands were itching to continue. However her word was law and he wasn't going to move forward unless she wanted him to.

No matter how much it hurt him.

"Hojo...we can't-can't do this." She shifted away from his body and used the blanket that had somehow been thrown beside the bed as coverage. Her face was a soft, tinted red and he couldn't help but think it only caused her to look even more beautiful.

"Why not? You like it didn't."

She blinked with surprise and blushed. "Well-I...that's not the point!"

He moved forward. "Then what is the point Kagome? I love you. I've always loved you. And even if you don't love me back, you must care for me. Even just a little?" He said the last part as a question. He watched as her eyes widened.

"Of...of course I do Hojo-kun. I care for you a great deal. But..."

His eyes darkened. "I care for you more than he does. I'd do anything for you, and you know it."

She bit her lip and seemed to falter. "Ye-yes...but..."

"And I love you. I love you when he doesn't. I want you when he doesn't." He paused for dramatic effect. "When he lusts after other woman."

He watched as Kagome's eyes grew wide. The hand covering her chest slipped and the blanket she was holding almost fell to the floor.

It was then he knew that he had her.

"Kagome....what is it that _you_ want? Do you want to stop?"

She seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then the uncertainty in her eyes was gone. She stepped forward and touched his arm gently. "No."

****

The first thing he felt when he awoke was a sense of loss. With bleary, tired eyes, Hojo sat up to find himself alone. Again.

Except this time, there was something different. 

On the floor was a blanket, wrinkled, rumpled. But most importantly...bloody.

For once, he hadn't been the second person on her list. For once he hadn't been pushed over for someone else. 

He had tasted her. He had had her. He had been her first.

He had won.

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. But I'm sure we all new that!

A/N: This story was my try at adding a little more three dimension to Hojo. It may seem a bit OC but I felt it was time to put a little thought and emotion in that guys head. Hopefully, it turned out alright. This is also a stand alone story so there won't be any more chapters added to it. 

Hmm...I'm not really sure about the restrictions on FF.net concerning more mature type fics. If this story is too mature to be placed on this web site I'll take it off immediately. Hopefully, it's okay though.

On a side note, the title of this song is such due to the song I was listening when I was writing this. I don't own the song [(Untitled) How Does it Feel] by D'Angelo. Lets just say that was my disclaimer.

Anyway, thanks for actually reading this far! I, myself, usually skip a/n's. Reviews, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome, especially. HINT. HINT. 

Let me leave you with the inspiration to this little ficlet.

Girl it's only you....  
Have it your way  
And if you want you can decide  
That if you'll have me  
I can provide  
Everything that you desire, hmm  
Let me get a feeling  
The feeling that I'm feeling  
Won't you come closer to me baby, hey  
Now you already got me  
Right where you want me baby  
I, I just want to be your man  
  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
  
I won't stop (Won't stop) sick of all  
Silly little games you and me play  
And I feel right on  
If you feel the same way baby  
Let me know right on  
Love to make you wet  
In between your thighs, cause  
I love when it comes inside of you  
I get so excited when I'm around you, baby  
Oh baby  
  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
  
Ooh long time  
Said it's been on my mind, yeah  
Baby close the door  
(Listen girl I hafta)  
Girl I got a thing(Gonna hafta show you)  
I wanna show you (All I want to do)  
Wish you'd open up (Shoot) because  
I want to take your walls down  
Oh yeah, if you want me to baby  
Only if you want me to  
Baby, baby  
Why? Why? Why? Why?  
Why do wanna hold it back baby?  
I just wanna  
I wanna lay you down  
Kiss you all  
All around  
All around  
Making you feel it  
Let me do what I, anything I want with you  
Yeah, yeah, yeah…  
  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?  
How does it feel, yeah?


End file.
